Paying condolences in Georgia: what to wear, what to bring and how to behave

Condolences in a Georgian family: what they mean

A condolence visit is far more than a polite formality. It shows the bereaved that they are not alone and that many people knew and valued the person who died. That is why Georgian families remember clearly who came, and often mention it years later. The visitor's task is simple: come, express sympathy, avoid taking up the family's time and energy, and offer practical help if you can. Words matter less here than the fact that you came and the sincerity of your attention.

When to visit

Condolences are usually offered during the days of the farewell, that is, between the death and the funeral, while the body lies in the family home or in a hired hall. The most usual time is from the afternoon into the evening, when the family expects visitors and acquaintances drop by after work. Only close relatives and neighbours come very early in the morning or late at night. If you are not sure where or when the farewell is being held, ask a mutual acquaintance or look for the notice the family has circulated. Anyone who missed the farewell days comes on the burial day itself.

How long to stay

For an ordinary visitor ten to twenty minutes is enough: go in, approach the coffin, offer condolences to the family members and then sit or stand for a little while in the yard or the corridor. Close friends and relatives stay much longer and often lend a hand: greeting guests, making coffee, setting out chairs. Do not hold the bereaved in long conversation; they have many people to greet and very little strength. If you see the room is full, offer your sympathy briefly and make way for others.

Clothing

For a condolence visit, wear dark, modest clothes: black, charcoal or navy. For men, dark trousers with a shirt or jumper are fine, and close relatives may wear a suit. For women, a dress or a skirt below the knee, covered shoulders and as little jewellery as possible. In church, women cover their heads with a headscarf or shawl, so bring one with you if you plan to attend the liturgy or a panikhida (a prayer service for the departed). Bright colours, sportswear, loudly clicking heels and strong perfume are out of place on this day. If you are coming straight from work, a dark coat or jacket is enough.

The envelope: custom and tact

Georgia has a long-standing custom: someone who comes to pay condolences leaves the family a modest sum in a sealed envelope. This money is a contribution towards the costs of the funeral and the memorial meal, not a gift, so it is never mentioned out loud. The envelope is usually given to the family member or close friend in charge of this, or placed on a table or in a box the family has set aside for the purpose. The amount depends on how close you are and what you can afford, and nobody counts it. You may write your name on the envelope so that the family knows who came.

Flowers: always an even number

By Georgian tradition, flowers for the deceased are brought in even numbers - two, four, six and so on - while odd numbers are for the living and for happy occasions. White or deep red roses, carnations, chrysanthemums and lilies are the most common choices. The flowers are laid by the coffin or wherever the family indicates, not handed to the relatives. Keep the wrapping simple, without shiny paper or coloured ribbons. If several of you are going together, you can bring one shared bouquet.

A wreath: when and from whom

Wreaths are usually sent by organisations, colleagues, groups of friends or close relatives, with a ribbon saying who it is from. During the farewell the wreath stands beside the coffin, and after the funeral it stays on the grave. It is best to order one in advance and have it delivered straight to the place of the farewell, sparing the relatives the job of receiving and positioning it. The ribbon text should be short: the sender's name and a word or two. Shapes and sizes are shown on our wreaths page.

What to say to the family

One or two sincere sentences are enough when offering condolences. Georgians say "gmertma gatsotskhlot" (may God grant you life) or "natelshi amkopos" (may they rest in light); in English, "I'm so sorry for your loss" or simply "I'm so sorry" is right. If you knew the deceased well, you can briefly recall something warm about them. Avoid asking about the details of the death, the diagnosis or mistakes in treatment, and avoid phrases that play down the loss, such as "well, he wasn't young any more". A silent handshake or an embrace sometimes says the most. You will find more advice and examples for letters and messages in our article on condolence messages.

Approaching the coffin

If the family is Orthodox, many visitors cross themselves as they come in and pause for a few seconds at the coffin; some light a candle or lay flowers. Then they go to the family members, who usually sit near the coffin, and offer their condolences, beginning with the eldest. Do not speak loudly in the room or strike up conversations with acquaintances about unrelated matters. The yard or the corridor is the place for that, though even there it is best to stay quiet and restrained. If the family offers coffee or water, accept politely or decline with thanks.

Phones and photographs

Switch your phone to silent before you go in. If a call is urgent, step outside and talk quietly. Photographing the body, the coffin or weeping relatives and posting the pictures on social media without the family's permission is unacceptable, even with the best of intentions. Some families do ask for the ceremony to be filmed for relatives abroad, but that is the family's decision, and they entrust it to one person. Share news of the funeral online only after the family has published it themselves.

Panikhida and church

A panikhida is a short prayer for the soul of the departed, said in the family home, in a hall or in a church. During it visitors stand in silence, many holding lit candles, and talking is not acceptable. Women enter the church with their heads covered, and men remove their hats. If the rite is unfamiliar to you, simply follow the family and the other guests. A person of another faith stands quietly in church, and nobody will see that as disrespect. When the funeral service ends, the mourners approach the coffin in turn to say goodbye.

At a funeral hall

These days many families hold the farewell in a funeral hall rather than at home, especially when the flat is small or a lot of people are expected. The rules there are the same; the space is simply better organised, with a separate area for the family, room for wreaths and a corridor where guests can talk quietly. Halls often have set opening hours, so check when the room is open to mourners. You can see what such a space looks like on our funeral hall page.

At the cemetery

During the funeral procession, close relatives walk directly behind the immediate family, and everyone else follows. At the cemetery, do not stand too close to the grave unless you are close family: that space belongs to the relatives and the priest. By tradition, mourners throw a handful of earth into the grave, after which some families ask people to wash their hands. Choose footwear that can cope with mud and freshly dug soil. If the family has a particular custom, for example about the order of leaving the cemetery, follow it without argument.

The memorial table

The memorial meal (kelekhi in Georgian) follows the funeral, and at the table guests remember the deceased guided by the tamada - the person chosen to run the table and propose each toast in turn. The memorial toast, called shesandobari, is opened by the tamada, and everyone else keeps to his order: you may speak on your own initiative only with his permission. Glasses are not clinked at a memorial meal, wine is drunk in moderation, and loud laughter and singing are out of place. You may leave the table after a brief goodbye to the family, but do not stand up in the middle of a toast. For more on organising the meal, see our page on the memorial meal.

Children at the farewell

Whether to bring a child is the family's decision, and it depends on the child's age, temperament and closeness to the deceased. When a child is saying goodbye to a grandparent, being there often helps them grasp the loss. Explain beforehand what they will see: the coffin, people crying, candles. Do not make them go up to the coffin if they are frightened. Bring very young children, who find it hard to sit quietly for long, only briefly, or leave them at home. An adult should always be close by to take the child outside for some air if needed.

If the family has a different faith

If the family is Muslim, Jewish, Catholic or of another faith, their customs may differ: sometimes the burial takes place very quickly, flowers and wreaths are not customary, men and women sit separately, or the table is laid differently. Before visiting, ask a mutual acquaintance what is appropriate, or take your cue from the family members once you are there. Modest clothing, a short visit and genuine sympathy are a mark of respect in any tradition, and the family will certainly appreciate your effort.

If you cannot come

Illness, being in another city or abroad, or work commitments often make it impossible to attend. In that case, phone a close family member or send a short personal message expressing your condolences and explaining why you could not be there. An envelope or flowers can be passed on through an acquaintance. Many people visit the family later, a few days after the funeral, and that is equally accepted. Such a visit can even mean more, because by then the family is left on its own and especially needs attention.

Fortieth-day memorial and first anniversary

On the fortieth day (the 40th-day memorial, ormotsi in Georgian) and on the first anniversary the family gathers again: at the cemetery, in church and around the memorial table. These dates are usually attended by close relatives and friends whom the family invites personally by phone or message, so turning up uninvited is not really the done thing. Dress and behaviour are similar, only the mood is calmer. Flowers on these days are again brought in even numbers, and many families have no envelope custom at all for the memorial days. The best gift you can give the family on such a day is a warm memory.

Frequently asked questions