A eulogy at the funeral or the memorial meal: how to prepare one

Funeral speeches in Georgian tradition

In Georgian mourning, speeches are given at two main moments. The first is at the graveside, when the church rite is over and, just before or just after the coffin is lowered, those closest to the deceased say a brief goodbye. The second is the memorial meal, kelekhi in Georgian, where the tamada (toastmaster and host of the table) guides the order of speakers and each toast has its place. In both cases a speech is neither a report nor a biography. It is a short, personal address that helps everyone else see the person alive once more and lets the family feel that others remember the one they have lost.

At the grave: who speaks and when

At the cemetery two or three people usually speak: someone representing the family, a close friend and sometimes a colleague or the head of an organisation. The family decides the order in advance, often together with the coordinator, so that the ceremony does not drag on, especially in heat, cold or rain when elderly guests are standing. A graveside tribute is shorter than one at the memorial table: one to three minutes. People here are tired and emotions run at their highest, so a few warm, precise sentences make a deeper impression than a long monologue.

The memorial table and the tamada

At the memorial meal the tamada decides the order of speeches. This is usually someone close to the family who knew the deceased well and understands the customs of the Georgian table. The first toast, called shesandobari, is dedicated to the soul of the departed and is given by the tamada; after that he hands the floor to family members, friends and colleagues. At a memorial table glasses are not clinked, and toasts are made in a quiet tone. If the tamada gives you the floor, stand up, say what you have prepared and finish by naming the person who has died. For more on arranging the meal and the menu, see our page on the funeral wake meal.

Two to four minutes: how many words is that?

Someone speaking at a calm pace says about a hundred words a minute; under stress, people speak either more slowly or far too fast. For two to four minutes, two hundred to three hundred and fifty words is enough - one page in a large font. It may not sound like much, but at a ceremony where several people speak, that is exactly the length that holds the listeners' attention. If your text runs to more than two pages, read it through again and cut everything that is not a memory: lists of dates, job titles, general verdicts.

The structure of a speech

1. Opening: one sentence about who you are and what connected you to the deceased: "I am his younger brother" or "For twenty years we shared an office".
2. One or two concrete memories: a scene people can picture: where you were, what he said, what he did.
3. What he gave to others: what that memory shows about the place this person held in other people's lives.
4. Closing: a direct word to the deceased, a thank-you, or a short sentence the family will remember.

These four parts work for any speaker, and they are easy to keep in your head even without notes.

Choosing the memory

The most powerful memory is often not a big event at all. It may be a small everyday habit: how he got up before everyone else and put the kettle on, how he kept the grandchildren's drawings in his wallet, how he rang a sick neighbour every evening. Jot down five or six such scenes on a sheet of paper, then choose the one or two that best capture his character. Your listeners should recognise the person in that scene. Avoid memories that need a long explanation or that only the two of you know about.

A full sample: a eulogy for a father

The text below takes about three minutes to say and is written in the voice of a son. Use it as a framework and fill it with your own memories:

"I am [name], his middle son. Dad was a man of few words, which is why it is so hard for me to speak for him now. When I was sixteen, I took his car without asking for the first time and drove it into a fence. I spent the whole night waiting for him to shout at me. In the morning he simply carried out his toolbox, handed me a spanner and said: you broke it, so we will fix it together. For two days we worked in the yard, and in those two days I learnt more than in years of lessons anywhere. That is how he was with everyone. A dripping tap at the neighbour's, a broken chair at my aunt's, my daughter's bicycle. He never said he could not do it. He said: let us have a look. In the last months, when his strength had gone, he asked me from his hospital bed whether I had fixed the wire on the vines. Dad, I fixed it. And I will fix a lot more, because you taught me how. Thank you for everything. Rest in the light."

Short samples for different speakers

A grandson about his grandmother

"There was always something baking in Granny's kitchen, and before I had even taken off my school bag, a plate was waiting for me on the table. She never asked about my marks; she asked whether anyone had upset me. Only now do I understand that her question mattered far more. Granny, thank you for always thinking of me first."

A colleague about a co-worker

"For twelve years we worked in the same department. Whenever someone new joined, they were always placed with him for their first week, because nobody felt like an outsider beside him. Half our team learnt the job from him. His desk in the office is empty now, but his habits live on in each one of us."

A former pupil about her teacher

"In Year 7 I failed maths, and I thought that door was closed to me for good. Kalbatoni [name] (this is how Georgians respectfully address a woman) tutored me after school for two months, without payment, and so discreetly that nobody in the class ever found out. Today I am an engineer. Whenever I solve a difficult problem, I hear her voice: do not rush, read the question first."

How speeches differ from speaker to speaker

Reading from a sheet is perfectly fine

Many people believe that reading from notes is disrespectful. In fact, having the text in front of you helps you keep your place and not lose your thread at the moment emotion hits. Print the speech in a large font with generous line spacing so you can read it in the wind or in poor light. A phone screen is less reliable: it goes dark, is hard to see in the sun, and a notification may pop up at exactly the wrong second. Fold the sheet in half and put it in your pocket, and give a copy to someone in the family in case you cannot finish.

Coping with nerves

At home, read the text aloud two or three times, ideally in front of someone: that way you will notice in advance the places where your voice catches. Before you speak, take a deep breath and stand firmly on both feet. If tears come in the middle of the speech, pause, breathe and carry on; your listeners will understand, and the speech will lose nothing. Have someone stand next to you with a copy of the text who can finish it for you if necessary. Keep water within reach, especially at the memorial meal, where you will be speaking in the middle of a long table.

Humour in moderation

Light, warm humour is not forbidden in a farewell speech if it reflects the character of the person who died. If he was famous for his jokes, one of his well-known sayings will bring a smile to the room, and such a smile more often brings relief than seems disrespectful. The test is simple: the joke should be about his kindness or an endearing habit, not about a weakness, an illness or mocking someone else. At the grave humour is rarer, while at the memorial table it comes naturally, especially in the second half of the meal when memories flow more freely.

Speaking at a secular farewell

When a family does not follow a religious rite, the farewell speeches become the heart of the ceremony. In this case there is often a host who introduces the speakers, marks the moments for music or a minute's silence and pulls the whole ceremony together into one thread. Speeches here can be a little longer, but the overall time is still planned in advance. Instead of a prayer, there may be a poem, a passage from the deceased's favourite book or an extract from one of their letters. For more on shaping a ceremony like this, see our page on the secular farewell.

Speaking from a distance by video

Quite often the person closest to the deceased, a son or a brother, is abroad and cannot arrive in time. He can still say his piece. There are two ways: a video recorded in advance and shown on a screen or played through a speaker at the ceremony, or a live call with someone on site holding a phone or tablet. A recording is more reliable, because it does not depend on the internet connection. With a live call, test the sound before the ceremony, have a speaker ready and put one person in charge of nothing but the connection.

Words at the 40th day and the anniversary

On memorial days a speech takes on a different character. The shock of the funeral day has passed, and people remember the deceased more calmly, often in more detail and with a smile. At ormotsi, the Georgian 40th-day memorial, or at the anniversary it is good to speak about what you have noticed since they left: what you miss, which of their habits you now find yourself repeating, which task you have carried on in their place. Here too the tamada dedicates the first toast to the deceased. For details on arranging a day of remembrance, see our page on the first anniversary memorial.

Things best left unsaid

• A detailed description of the illness or the circumstances of death: for the family it means living through it again.
• Talking more about yourself than about the deceased.
• Hints at a family or workplace conflict, even with the aim of reconciliation.
• Promises you cannot keep, for instance about the family's future.
• Repeating a story the previous speaker has already told; that is why the order and the topics should be agreed in advance.

If you find you cannot speak

Sometimes a person is sure until the very last minute that they will manage, and then, when their turn comes, their voice simply refuses. There is nothing shameful in that. A friend or the tamada can read the text, and it will still be your words. Some families do not ask for spoken tributes at all and instead invite those close to the deceased to write down a memory; these are then gathered into one notebook or album. Years later such pages become especially precious to grandchildren who knew their grandmother or grandfather only for a short time.

Frequently asked questions