Explaining the death of a loved one to a child

Children grieve too, just differently

A child's grief does not look like an adult's. A child may cry for a minute and go back to playing the next, and that is not indifference at all. Children process heavy feelings in pieces, in short "waves", because they cannot take in a great pain all at once. That is why adults sometimes think the child has not understood, or does not care. In fact the grief comes out in their play, their drawings, their sleep and their behaviour, and it often returns weeks or even months later.

Who should tell the child, and when

It is best if the child hears the news from the person closest to them: mum or dad, or the adult they trust most. Do not put the conversation off for long. The child senses the tension in the family, sees the tears, and may learn from strangers or other children what you meant to say yourself. Choose a calm place where nobody will interrupt you. Sit beside the child at eye level, take their hand or hold them, and do not try to hide your own tears.

Words to use: "died", not "fell asleep"

Children understand clear, direct words best: "Grandad has died. His body stopped working. He doesn't breathe any more, he doesn't need to eat, and nothing hurts him." Phrases such as "fell asleep", "went away" or "we lost him" seem gentle to adults, but they confuse and frighten a young child. A child who is told that Grandma "went to sleep for ever" may become afraid of going to sleep. And "went away" creates an expectation: if he went away, will he come back? The word "death" is heavy, but it tells the truth and does not breed fear.

Children under three

At this age a child does not understand what death is, but feels the absence of a loved one and the change in the family's mood very keenly. They may become tearful and fretful, refuse food or sleep, and want to be held all the time. Explanations in words do little here. What matters most is keeping the usual daily routine: meals, sleep, bath time, familiar toys and familiar people. A short, simple sentence such as "Grandma won't be coming any more, and we miss her very much" is quite enough.

From three to six

A preschool child often thinks death is temporary and reversible: the person who died might come back, or is living somewhere else. So the child may keep asking when Grandad is coming. "Magical thinking" is typical at this age: children believe that their own thoughts or bad behaviour caused what happened. What helps here is a gentle but clear explanation: "People who die don't come back. It isn't your fault - nothing you did could have made this happen." Repeat simple words again and again.

From six to ten

At this age a child already understands that death is final and happens to everyone, although it still feels rather abstract. Concrete questions appear: what happens to the body, where is he now, will mum and dad die too. Answer them honestly, but without unnecessary detail. If the child asks whether you are going to die as well, you might say: "Everyone dies one day, but I hope to live for a very, very long time and to be here with you." Words like these can ease the fear.

Teenagers

A teenager understands death almost as an adult does, but often finds it hard to express their feelings. They may withdraw, spend more time with friends or on their phone, get angry, or on the contrary act as though everything is fine. Some teenagers take on the role of the family's "pillar" and hide their own pain. Do not load adult responsibilities onto them, and do not say "You're the man of the house now". Offer to talk, but do not force it. Sometimes an honest conversation starts more easily on a walk together or during a drive.

The same questions over and over

A child may ask the same question ten times: where is Grandma, why did she die, will she come back. This does not mean they have not understood your answer; it is simply how they make sense of difficult information. Each time, answer patiently with the same simple words. If you do not know the answer to a question, admit it: "I don't know, but we can think about it together." An honest "I don't know" is far better than an invented answer that will later create new confusion.

A religious explanation in keeping with the family's faith

If the family is religious, death can be explained to a child in the language of that faith: an Orthodox family will talk about the soul, about being with God and about prayer, and a family of another faith will share its own teaching. What matters is that the religious explanation does not replace the physical truth: "Grandad's body doesn't work any more, and we believe his soul is with God." Avoid phrases like "God took him because he was good": the child may become afraid that being good is dangerous, or grow angry with God.

Feelings of guilt

Children often look for an explanation on their own and sometimes conclude that they are to blame: "He died because I argued with him", "because I didn't do as I was told". Usually they do not say this out loud, but the thought gnaws at them from inside. So even if the child has mentioned nothing of the kind, tell them plainly: "Nothing you said, thought or did caused his death." Repeat these words several times on different days, especially if the child had fallen out with the person shortly before.

Should a child attend the farewell?

There is no single answer, but many specialists believe that for a child who wants to be there and has been prepared in advance, attending the farewell helps them grasp the loss. They see that everyone is grieving, that crying is normal and that the family is together. If the child refuses, do not force or shame them. Offer another option: staying at home with someone close, or attending only part of the farewell. The key is to give them a choice.

Preparing a child for the farewell

• Explain beforehand: what they will see, where the coffin will be, what the person who died will look like, that many people will be crying and that this is normal.
• A trusted adult at their side: choose someone who will stay with the child the whole time and will not be busy receiving guests.
• A way out: the child should know they can step outside at any moment without upsetting anyone.
• Touch only if they wish: do not ask them to kiss or touch the body if they do not want to.
• A talk afterwards: when the farewell is over, ask what they saw, how they felt and whether they have any questions.

If the family chooses a non-religious ceremony, a child's part in it can be made even more flexible: see our secular farewell page.

A child's own ways of saying goodbye

It helps a child to make their own contribution to the farewell, something they understand. It might be a drawing to be placed in the coffin, a short letter to Grandad, a flower they lay on the grave themselves, or choosing a photo of themselves with Grandma for the days of farewell. Such rituals can continue after the funeral: a memory box where the child keeps things connected with the person who died, or a tree you plant together. This gives young children a sense that the bond carries on through love.

Signs of grief in children

A child's grief is more often visible in behaviour than in words. Watch for disturbed sleep and night fears, changes in appetite, complaints of tummy aches or headaches with no medical cause. Young children may "go back" to earlier habits: thumb-sucking, bed-wetting, baby talk. Older children may become irritable, withdrawn or, on the contrary, overly active. Most of these changes are natural and ease over time if the child feels supported.

Daily routine and school

In hard days, what helps a child most is a predictable everyday life: set times for meals and sleep, familiar bedtime rituals, play and walks. Try to keep changes to a minimum. Going back to school or nursery is usually possible a few days after the funeral. Let the teacher or nursery staff know in advance so that they understand the reason behind any change in behaviour and treat the child gently. General advice on breaking sad news can be found in our article on how to tell loved ones about a death.

If a parent, brother or sister has died

The death of a mother, father, brother or sister is especially hard for a child, because it changes the very centre of their everyday world. At such a time the child needs certainty: who will look after them, who will take them to school, who will put them to bed. They may not ask these questions out loud, so answer them yourself. When a brother or sister dies, a child is often tormented by pain and loneliness at once, because the parents are absorbed in their own grief. At this time the attention of another close adult - a grandmother, an uncle or a family friend - matters enormously.

When to see a child psychologist

Most children come through grief with the support of those close to them, but sometimes a specialist's help is needed. Consult a child psychologist if serious problems with sleep, eating or behaviour have not eased after months; if the child has withdrawn completely and stopped playing and mixing with other children; if they often talk about death or about wanting to go to the person who died; or if their schoolwork has dropped sharply. Seeing a psychologist is not a sign of weakness but one more way of caring for the child.

The parent's own grief

While caring for a child, parents often forget their own pain or hide it, believing they must appear strong in front of the little one. In fact it does a child good to see that adults also grieve, cry and support one another. That is how they learn that expressing feelings is normal. What frightens a child is something else: when an adult is completely swallowed by grief and disappears emotionally. So look after yourself as well: talk to people close to you, rest and, if necessary, see a specialist yourself.

Frequently asked questions